Chaos: A Story from the Archives
My little sister is in the process of applying to medical school for her post-graduate studies, and it’s been during this process with her where I felt inspired to share a very personal, but important essay written by myself when I too was applying to college. Granted, my essay was for my undergraduate studies and not postgraduate (I didn’t need to write essays for my Masters degree), but the symbolism is still the same. Write a personal statement that will reflect who you are as an individual.
To give you some context on why I chose this particular topic for my college entrance essay, my mother and I have a very complex relationship. Although it has gotten better, it has not been easy – not then, and surely, sometimes, not now. When I was in high school, my parents went through a rough patch and my mother was diagnosed with a mental disorder. One that impacted my life deeply; I was fully stuck in the middle of this manic episode with my mother, even though it really had nothing to do with me.
It was one of the hardest times in my life, and it took a lot of empathy for me to understand the complexity of her situation and disease. I honestly can’t tell you what the prompt was, because I don’t remember; but I do remember writing this essay during a really vulnerable time in my life, and I still feel those emotions when I read it.
So I’ve taken that essay, and added a twist. I’ve updated the content of the essay, keeping the theme of it: chaos. So here is, “My Center: Chaos 2.0”.
Everyone has some chaos in their lives, but what I believe defines me is that awkward chaos. Chaos denies the adventures, joys, and most commonly the struggles of life. I picture chaos as a bumpy river, full of whirlpools and rocks. It’s with the help of my loved ones, prayer, and love, I have slowly begun to discover the different rivers that defines my life – it’s one called, chaos.
At the first sign of chaos, one becomes frightened and wants to give up; at least that’s what I had always wanted to do. Luckily, I have always had a great support system behind me. One who have helped me realize that giving up, right when things get bumpy, isn’t the best thing to do especially because life only gets bumpier.
With the strength of my family and friends I have learned to face chaos head on, instead of running away from it. This support has been what has made me feel stronger, and less afraid, and I know that without this support system I would’ve given up at the first sign of struggle. Sometimes I actually do.
Behind the support, there is something called prayer. Prayer is the guiding light of my family, especially during times of said “chaos”. I have learned that prayer isn’t just used to pray to a higher power, but it is also used to talk to someone. My family uses prayer for guidance, advice and even more support. I used to turn to prayer in times of fear and stress, and asked for guidance in making the right decisions. However, as life experiences have gotten more complicated, prayer became less of a method of hope and more of a conversation full of frustration, anger, doubt, fear, and hope. I admire how much my grandmother believed in the strength of prayer; but as things started to happen in my life that tested my faith I stopped turning to prayer for guidance.
Along with prayer, you’ll find more support in love. Love is the fuel of support that I receive from my family and friends. Love is the reason I am the way I am. It’s made me find the strength beyond prayer, and it’s taught me to lean on my support system as well. Although support and prayer are helpful, without love there is no strength in either support or prayer.
What defines me is the chaos in my life. Even with love, support, and prayer, chaos still exists. I don’t view chaos in a negative light anymore; I view it as something that connects to the river of life. A river that will only get rougher, bumpier, and longer as time passes by. My chaos was built around my weaknesses, but because of support, prayer, and the love I’m surrounded by I’ve slowly learned to overcome my “chaotic” life, and family.
Just because that chaos filled my life in high school, doesn’t necessarily mean that it wasn’t present in other times during my life. Look at the experience I went through losing Enzo; I’ve also had traumatic experiences losing my grandparents at different stages of my life. Chaos continues to surround me, even fifteen years after high school. But rather than run from it, I’ve learned to embrace it.
Chaos has helped shape who I am, today, and who I will be tomorrow. I’ve also learned that chaos isn’t always a bad thing, it can be kind of fun too. Complexities in life are what make the chaos enjoyable, but it’s how you handle those chaotic moments that really define who you are as a person.
