A Difficult Time

I haven’t lived a hard life in that I haven’t had to beg for food, I had a roof over my head, family members and friends who loved and supported me, I went to a great school, etc. However, I have been tossed some pretty hard to deal with life experiences throughout my life.

When I was seven, my maternal grandfather was diagnosed and within months died from pancreatic and lung cancer. Some think, all grandparents die. Yes, they do. But my grandfather wasn’t even in his late 60’s and he was _my entire world_when I was a kid. He was my best friend. It was me and him against the world, or so I thought.

At the same time my grandfather was battling cancer, and losing, my uncle (his son) was on dialysis for kidney failure. He and my aunt ended up having a kidney transplant three months after my grandfather died essentially saving my uncle’s life. Last week marked 23 years of a healthy kidney in both my aunt and her brother, my uncle.

I’ve also mentioned before that I have a son, Enzo. He will be seven years old in December, but we celebrate his birthday apart. You see, he was born sleeping on December 12, 2013, at 1:13 AM. He was 14.5 inches long and weighed just under two pounds. I was 28 weeks pregnant when he double-chord wrapped his umbilical cord causing his heart to stop beating.

Losing Enzo shattered my world.

I find it ironic how clearly I remember _every detail _of my pregnancy; it’s almost as though the brain wants me to hold onto the memories I had with Enzo in my belly because that’s all I was allowed to enjoy. I was robbed of all other memories when I lost him.

It has taken me a long time to really get to a place where I’m okay_and I finally _believe that it’s okay to feel happy. This isn’t to say I don’t have my moments of anger, frustration, guilt, sadness, etc. and I most definitely still struggle during certain times of the year and during the holiday season.